Oh wow! It’s been a little while since I have opened up to you all on here. Thank you for giving me the space I needed to focus on other life aspects but I am back & ready to share a revelation that feels very big to me.
This year has been filled with many experiences that have encouraged my growth. All of the highs and lows have impacted me in a way of opening up my perspectives and awareness. Situations I was never prepared for occurred and I didn’t respond to each challenge in a way that resonates with my character. Instead of sitting in shame, putting myself down for how I went about different challenges, I allowed myself the space to learn from them. Which has been the biggest take away for me this year. As I sit and reflect on all that went wrong, I am flooded by all that has gone right, all that wasn’t in my plan but was in the divine plan.
This year, I’ve had reactions to situations that I’m not proud of and like I said, I’ve given myself the space to reflect and learn. By doing so I have gained knowledge on healthy communication. Through taking responsibility and accountability for my actions and finding acceptance by understanding that I cannot change what has occurred while simultaneously knowing that I was in the wrong.
One of the biggest take aways from my experiences this year is becoming aware of a growth vs fixed mindset. This can look so different for everyone & as I speak on this I am talking from my own experiences and perspectives. For me, when I’m in a fixed mindset everything is black or white and I typically have a very shameful perspective of myself. We feel shame when we violate social norms that we believe in. Having a shameful or “fixed” mindset kept me focusing on past mistakes, pain and heaviness instead of reflecting on how I can grow from the situation. As much as it is important to allow ourselves to feel shame, we have to be mindful of what shame looks like for us individually or else we can get stuck. As I deconstruct the roots of my own personal beliefs and emotions, I’m doing my best to rewire this part of me through being unconditionally loving to myself.
Being unconditionally loving to myself is how I’m shifting into a “growth mindset”. It’s been extremely hard for me because the programming is so deep. When I try to validate or comfort myself I immediately have a rush of anxiety because it’s new for me and my brain doesn’t recognize safety in showing myself love that way. My brain finds safety in shaming myself because safety is familiar & shame is all I have known. Recently I spoke with my partner and he had made a point that I’ve been programmed by people who don’t even realize that they have been programmed. So I can’t even claim some of these parts as me because I didn’t choose them. I couldn’t choose them because I didn’t have the capacity to even be aware. Now that I have become aware of these different parts I’m able to make a choice on if I want to continue to hold onto beliefs, patterns, habits or anything else that others have imposed onto me.
The hardest part has been connecting the logic and emotions, or the left & right sides of our brain. As I make this shift into a growth mindset I’ve learned through working with my therapist that logically I know I’m worthy of showing myself unconditional love but emotionally I cannot allow myself to feel that because of the “trauma print”. I have recently started EMDR therapy for the second time to target the inner belief “something is wrong with me” to be more at ease in knowing that I am okay as I am. Since starting EMDR again I’ve been uncovering different ways my brain has been forced to survive and make sense of my trauma, as this topic is still fresh and heavy I hope to share more about what I learn when I feel ready. Until then, I thank you for taking the time to read this, connect with me and be here. I hope you were able to take away something for your own growth and healing, as that is the exact reason I share so openly 🤍
“Taking accountability for your mistakes and being able to talk about them without shame or guilt is POWER. Also, being able to just admit your mistakes is still so POWERFUL. There is no shame in saying “I may have not known better then, but I know better NOW. Take your power back”
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Much love,
Sarah Mae ✨